just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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