***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
