honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize