I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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