Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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