so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
