I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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