She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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