He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
