i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
