More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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