This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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