Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We need to get me chipped asap
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize