someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize