Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
