sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
