2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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