dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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