so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love you.
Bad choice
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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