i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
