Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
