I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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