you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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