apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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