the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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