did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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