I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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