You're my little dorito
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
