what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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