I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
