Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
