he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
