I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
