i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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