just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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