Dude my mom stole all your condoms
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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