She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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