This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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