Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just pee around me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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