I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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