I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
