sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
