All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
