Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
