i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
