i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I AM VODKA MAN
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize