I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
