Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
