she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
