Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
