I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
