Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
