It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
