someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize