I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
