Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
