mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's like heaven, but drunker
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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