i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
