Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize