Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
