The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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