apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
