got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
