Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
