Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
