It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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