I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
